Day 30: A letter to YOURSELF. Tell yourself everything you love about yourself.

Oh Blah.  I hate this part.  But what better way to wrap up this whole truth-telling than a letter to myself.

Dearest Jennifer Lynne,

     It never ceases to amaze me how you do all that you do.  I know you hear a lot, "how do you do it".  And you just say "I don't know, I just do".  I know how much work it is to "doing".  It's hard, but certainly has it's benefits, don't you think?  You are a wonderful mother to Trevor.  I can see that through him.  He is the happiest kid I know.  I think it's because he knows how much his Mommy loves him.  I know this is what you waited so many years for.  I wish you didn't have to work.  But that just means the time you spend with him is even more valuable.

I'm so glad you want to stay busy.  I don't think this is a bad thing.  You are so caring about others more than yourself.  I think you would be better off to take some time to yourself every now and then. When is the last time you have sewed?  Or scrapbooked?  Hmm??  What better time than now to start?  You really should do the things you love once and a while.  The house can wait a couple of hours and so can Markus.  He is a big boy.  You don't have to be his mother... just be his wife.  You have done that well too, but please take time for yourself.  Everyone else does, lol!

You are a better woman than some to love your family the way you do.  After all the craziness that has happened over the years... you continue to love them.  I wouldn't say unconditionally, but you do.  That is important.   As Markus called it today, "spontaneous compassion", I think that is a great description for it.  I don't think he thinks you should do what you do for them.  It's hard to describe/explain to him that they are still your family... How does one do that?  He doesn't understand... clearly.  I think he sees it from an outsider's view looking in, they do nothing for you, so why should you do for them?  You don't see it as a trade off though.  It's more of a one way street downtown.  It won't ever come back to you.  But you try.  At least you try.  Until they get unhappy with the way they are living and cut you off.  What is it like the 2nd time that has happened... and taking place now.  What a comedy.

Some wonder what aren't you good at... I would have to say keeping a clean house, lol! 

I see you are the kind of person that when determined... you will do it, and you will do it great.  Almost 99% of the time.  That is how you are.  If you are going to do it, you will do it great or do the best you can and then some.  Look at you, you are crafty as hell, can refinish a piece of furniture to make it look brand new and people ask you where you got it and you seem to have the trend of saying, "girl I picked it up off someone's trash", you can scrapbook and then some, you make your own cards, cook from scratch meals, desserts, etc and people ask, is this homemade?... um yeah I like to do "from scratch" whenever possible!, you can throw and kicking party/shower/event and blink and it's awesome, you can garden and know what you are doing and talking about, you can paint and do all that fun home improvement stuff, you sew... and if you applied yourself you could be a lot better, you decorate and have such a great sense of style... you take it as a compliment when people look around and ask you questions about your home (too funny), you wash cars and change tires, if you had a miter saw in your possession you would seriously be dangerous, you are thrifty as all get out and are good at it...most of the time, if there is a good deal you can usually find it, you love with all your heart, you are an awesome mom, and a faithful wife.  Not sure if I left something out but you are fabulous!  Start seeing more good in yourself instead of the crap and you will do much better.

All my love,

Jenn-Jenn

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And Why?

Yikes!  Well Markus and I had a heart to heart Monday night.  Wasn't exactly the prettiest thing in the world.  I handed it to him and he did the same to me.  Part of that was what he thought I ALWAYS did.  You know how those words work on your nerves?  Well he said that nothing is ever good enough for me.  I'm thinking... wow it's true.  I have always expected a lot out of myself and even more out of life.  Apparently, it isn't a good thing to Markus.  He claimed I'm too busy wanting more that I don't see what I have.  Or I don't see the things he does because I'm too worried about what he didn't do.  Hmph.  This is all too familiar to me.   So, I honestly would hope to change this about myself.  Maybe not completely but just ease up on Markus.  Clearly it is hurting him, so much to the point that he thinks he shouldn't even try at all. That is certainly not my intentions.  I would not be this way on purpose to hurt him, but that is how I feel and I want that to change too.

Day 28: What if you were pregnant? What would you do?

Haha!  This has been an long-standing joke around my office.  I just laugh.  Ok, so now I have to tell my funny story.  It relates to this topic, I promise.  Better yet, go HERE and read all about it.  It's cute.  So if I found out I were pregnant I would laugh and figure out a hilarious way to tell Markus.  Cause I didn't get to on the first go round.  Now ask me this in a few months and I would be bouncing off the walls.  I don't want to be the mom with years and years in between children.  To boot, I'm not getting any younger.  That is always a convenient line.  But hey, it's the truth.  I look forward to doing it all over again.  I can't wait to start trying again.  But it will be a little bit.  After all Trevor will be 7 months next week.  So we have several more months to wait for that. 

P.S. I loved being pregnant.

Day 27: What's the best thing going for you right now?

The best thing?  Well I think being a mom is absolutely wonderful.  I am probably the happiest mom alive when I peek into Trevor's room and he smiles and laughs as he is waking up.  Seriously nothing is better.  It makes me hate work.  I wish I could stay with him all day.  We only spend 3 hours a day with each other and that is a maximum between morning and night.  It's just crazy how I wish it could last forever.  It makes our time together so precious.   And I love every minute of that child.  I just pray he knows how much Markus and I love him even though we don't get to spend a lot of time with him.  

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? When and Why?

I get depressed.  Rarely to the point where I want to give up on life.  But as a teenager, it was sort of a never ending thing.  It wasn't until adulthood that I found the freedom that I so desperately wanted.  I really hated my life as a teenager.  My younger sisters in my opinion lived such a blissful life compared to me.  They got to choose the high school they attended.  They got to play sports.  They got to go to all of their dances and stay out much later than I did.  They got to drive before I did.  Gosh I could go on.  I always felt like my mom was singling me out.  Constantly.  I seemed to have given her the most trouble.  Fast forward... little did she know I would give her such glory as an adult.  So as a teenager I usually felt better off dead.  I was a lot more dramatic as a teenager too.  But thankfully we all grow up.  For those of us that are lucky enough, we are normal too.  I happened to make it out normal.  I think I wanted it so bad that I refused to accept anything different.  Personally I like it way better.  I feel like I have a purpose and I love not being under my old roof.  Ahhh...

Day 25: The Reason you are still alive today

I think God has a plan for all of us.  I don't think we leave this earth until that plan is fulfilled.  Obviously God intended me be a wife first and then a mother.  I'm sure there are more things in store for me.  I have learned so much in life and have so much more to learn and live before I die.  Even though some leave this world too early, I think that is the way Heavenly Father intended it to be.  We all have a purpose.   It's just finding it and fulfilling it.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

(Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I dedicate these songs to my sweetheart, Markus Christian, I love you baby!  In no particular order:

Lost By: Michael Buble- Because I know you will always be there with me, even through the crappy times
Lucky By: Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillat- You are my best friend :)
Say By: John Mayer- You always let me speak my peace
My Life Would Suck Without You By: Kelly Clarkson- Obvisouly... my life would suck without you!
Keep Holding On By: Avril Lavigne- This is how I feel about your college education... for both of us
Sway By: Michael Buble- One day you will twirl me around the dance floor to this song...
I Could Not Ask For More By: Sara Evans- Our first dance as husband and wife... I will never forget it!
Magic By: Colbie Caillat- That's what we are :)
Can't Take My Eyes Off You By: Lauryn Hill- You are the HOTNESS!!  Or as Britney would say "Walking Dessert"  haha!
We Just Can't Get Enough By: New Radicals- Never get enough of you :)
Secrets By: One Republic- I can tell you all my secrets... you are such a good listener
You Got Me By: Colbie Caillat- Cause I'm stuck on you

I could go on but you get the point.  Too bad we don't like the same music.  Some days being opposites has their downside.  I wish we liked the same music.  It has a way of expressing my feelings when I sometimes don't have the words to do so, like now.  Perfect Prelude to the week of our Anniversary.  I look forward to spending the day with you.  I'm so glad you took the day off.  Finally, we can spend some time together.

Love,

Jenn

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life

The saying, "It's never too late" comes to mind.  So I know that there is still time, but I wish I had gone to college.  It's so frustrating to be behind everyone else.  Easy to compare myself to others, but it's something that is almost understood when you are in your early twenties.  You go to college.  Now that I'm in my late twenties... it seems like time is running out for me.  I went to beauty school but the first thing people ask me when they find out I went was, "did you drop out?"  Just because I am not doing hair as a career doesn't mean I necessarily dropped out.  It's been annoying to me to be in the work force with no college education.  By the time Markus graduates it will be more babies for me.  When does college fit into the picture?  To me, it appears it will never happen for me.  But yet I'm expected to make a living and provide for my family without this.  I do pretty good for myself/family, but I could do better and go further if I but had an education.  That's all I'm saying.  Maybe one day...

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life

Some days I wish I had not left Seattle.  I do.  I would probably have stuck with hair instead of the lame excuses I come up with nowadays.  Truthfully, I miss it.  I would love to work in a salon there, esp in the city.  I miss my daddy.  I think if I would not have moved back down here, I could have spent the last couple of years of his life with him.  It's just crazy where life takes you.  Guess I'll never know!

Day 21: **(Scenario)**

Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before.  What do you do?

Well if this isn't just the easiest "scenario" ever.  First of all me and my BFF never get into fights.  We tell it like it is and we both trust one another's opinions and listen without judging or getting our feelings hurt.  Now, if I learned of this accident, I would probably drop everything I was doing and race to go to her or the hospital.  I tell you what, I would do anything for that girl.  And she knows it!  I hope nothing this tragic ever happens, but no questions asked I would be there, no matter what.  She means the world to me.  I seriously can't see us not being friends.  She is pretty awesome!  And the sister I sometimes wish I had :)  Love you Lea Lea!

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol

First of all, I don't do them.  Never have.  Don't have any desire to.  Here is why... I'm a control freak.  I like to be in control.  Of my body, mind, and spirit.   Doing the above mentioned... I would lose that.  I'm not willing to give that up.  Plus my church teaches that we should treat our bodies like a temple.  Because a temple they are and should be treated as such.  Not to be consumed with harmful substances. 

It saddens me to see those out of control and addicted to such foolishness as drugs and alcohol.  Even kids as young as middle school.  What is wrong with this picture?  What ever happened to kids just being kids?

Day 19: What do you think of religion? or What do you think of Politics?

Religion.  I'm LDS aka Mormon.  I believe we have a living prophet who leads and guides my church.  He also has 12 Apostles.  Just like in the olden times.  You know the times that you read about in the Bible.  I also believe in the Book of Mormon.   If you would like a copy, I'll give you one :).  I am so happy to have been raised going to church.  It is certainly the foundation that I build my life upon.  I'm looking forward to sharing these truths with Trevor.  

Politics.  I'm conservative.  I believe also in the social programs of this great nation.  However, I don't believe in allowing people to abuse them and live on them.  I really hate to see this.  I think healthcare should remain private.  I would hate to see it go the opposite.  And I feel for those in the healthcare business.   I don't care for Obama.  When he was elected... I thought, "Jesus is coming".  I await the day when he will no longer be our President.  I voted for Kip Holden as mayor.  I think he has done a good job.  I don't think he should group what he wants to do for downtown all together with important things like Sheriff Dept, jail, etc.  I will not vote for an all or nothing type of sweetheart deal.

Hope that cleared a few things up.

Day 18: Your views on Gay Marriage

This is certainly the topic of much controversy these days.  I will quote it straight from my church from what we call "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" from the First Presidency and Twelve Apostles of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It states: "Solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children."  It goes on, "The family is ordained of God.  Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan."  I don't see anywhere in the Bible that mentions marriage between a woman and woman or man and man is ordained of God.  Period.  My view is I don't view it.  I am also sad to see some states in our union have viewed this as ok and acceptable.  The world is coming to an end.  This is how we are just one step closer.

Day 17: A book that you've read that changed your views on something

First off let me say that I'm a non-fiction girl.  I did not start reading "fiction" books until I joined a book club at church.  It didn't last too long because they didn't really participate when it was my turn to select the book.  Funny how that works.  I mean fantasy is nice and all but I like to read truth more so than fantasy.  So with that said, the book "Spin Sisters: How the Women of the Media Sell Unhappiness & Liberalism to the Women of America", was the one that changed my view on well everything to do with the media.  It practically backed up what my church teaches about the media.  I would highly recommend reading if you want a different perspective on the media.  It was written by someone who was an editor of a well known magazine and went into just about everything that the media tries to "sell" us on.  Whether it be the lastest and greatest skin cream, to how to be the best parent, to anything you can think of.  We just buy into all the BS and don't even give it a second thought.  I always knew I had more of a brain to think for myself than to believe all that I read, heard and saw in the media.

Day 16: Someone or Something you could definitely live without

Something would be a credit card.  Markus and I made sure to get rid of all credit cards before we got married.  Let me just say as a young 20something at the time... it was hard.  But we did it and continue to do so.  There has been a time or two where we couldn't avoid it due to circumstances but for the most part we live a cash lifestyle.  It is so nice.  We don't get bombarded at the end of the month with credit card bills.  I love it.  It's nice to have silly things free and clear.  Not have to pay off the shirt or groceries at the end of the month.  It takes a bit of self control, but once you've got it... it becomes a way of life.

Day 15: Something or Someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it

Well this is hilarious.  More recently I would say a car note.  It's a glamorous thing to live without a car note let me tell you.  But it never seems to be for very long that this happens.  Markus and I don't seem to have very good luck with these kinds of things.  So we have tried living without a car note, but it just doesn't seem to work out.  It appears to always follow us around... much like the car.  haha 

Day 14: A hero that has let you down

 I don't really have a hero.  So this is a bit hard and difficult to answer.  Hmm... I guess I will just skip this one and move on to the next one.

Day 13: A band or artist who has gotten you through some tough days

This is kind of a hard one.  Music is such an emotional thing for me.  I listen to whatever my mood dictates at that time.  So I guess it depends on what was going on for me.  It's more so like a song for me more so than it would be an artist.  With that said, if I had to chose someone it would probably be Colbie Caillat. So here's to Colbie for creating some awesome music. 

Colbie,
My favorite songs are Lucky w/ Jason Mraz (Love him), Magic and Fearless.  I remember when you first came out with the song Bubbly.  I think everyone around the world had to have heard that song at least once.  It was great, but not my favorite.  I got your first album from my sister on my bday that year and we just couldn't stop listening to it.  Every song spoke to me.  Especially the song Magic.  It made me fall in love with my husband all over again.  It said perfectly what I felt or him.  I remember thinking you were so unique and original.  Just what the music industry needed at that time.  And even still you put out a great 2nd album with Fearless.  Love that song.  So thanks for doing what you do.  And here's to dedicate my favorite song of yours to my husband.  My lova foreva. :)  I love you baby.

Lyrics to Magic :

V1: You've got magic inside your finger tips
its leaking out all over my skin
everytime that i get close to you
your makin me weak with the way you
look through those eyes

C: And all i see is your face
all i need is your touch
wake me up with your lips
come at me from up above
yeaaaa, oh i need you

V2: I remember the way that you move
your dancin easily through my dreams
its hittin me harder and harder with all your smiles
you are crazy gentle in the way you kiss

C: All i see is your face
all i need is your touch
wake me up with your lips
come at me from up above

B: Oh baby i need you
to see me, the way i see you
lovely, wide awake in
the middle of my dreams

C: And all i see is your face
all i need is your touch
wake me up with your lips
come at me from up above

C: All i see is your face
all i need is your touch
wake me up with your lips
come at me from up above
yeaaaa, oh oh da da da do do do do do
ahhhhhh, i ..... i need you

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on

A clean house.  I think it is more of a dream than a reality for me.  I never get compliments on a clean house because it's never clean.  I'm sure this is more geared towards something I should get compliments on but don't.  I feel a clean streak coming on though.  Trevor is rolling and scooting everywhere and sees just about anything on the floor and straight to the mouth it goes.  SO, with that being said, I need to make a conscious effort to keep a cleaner house.  It really makes me feel so good when it's cleaned, but that is usually only on Sunday night and then the dirty starts all over again until the next weekend.  Ahh gotta love the cycle :)

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you on the most

Ha! First of all I'm pretty awesome in the kitchen.  And I know it.  How obnoxious was that!  I absolutely love to cook, bake, create, etc.  I have made it a point to love it.  I've been baking since I was a teenager.  And my MIL told me when I got married and realized I had to fill her shoes (did I mention she cooks every night?) that if I can bake I can cook.  Ha!  Well I took that and ran with it.  She certainly gave me the fuel I needed to move full speed ahead... and that I did.  Most of the time anything that I make or bring anywhere I get complimented on it.  I love it.  I'm also not one of those people who don't share.  If you want the recipe or want to know how I did it or what's in it, I'll give it to ya.  Hence that is where I'm Hungry {the recipe blog} came from.  I think the setting of a family sitting around the table and enjoying a home cooked meal has become more of a lost tradition than a sense of normalcy in today's household.  That is awfully sad to me.  I think that is my favorite part of a dinner party.  Ever noticed when you are invited over for dinner it's not just for a great meal?  It usually includes great conversation and fabulous company.  That is what I strive for when creating meals.  I will usually wait to eat dinner late if it means I can eat with my husband and we can not only eat together but share something more than just food.

Anyway.. if you want a little spice to your life, check out the link above to my recipe blog.  Enjoy!  And may you make many happy meals & memories.