Perspective

I wanted to share 2 things that I was told this past Friday by 2 different people that impacted my current perspective on Lucas. 

First, I was pursued by a lady who had a Down Syndrome child.  I was happy she reached out to me.  We had a great conversation.  We got to talking about baskets and how they ran out around the time Lucas was born and how she was sorry and wanted to bring me one.  (The Down Syndrome Association gives baskets out to families who have a baby born with Downs).  She said this, when she had her son she was bombarded by so many telling her what she did and didn't need to do.  She said I wanted families to be told "Congratulations!" in the midst of everything.  It's nice to hear congratulations.  I agreed with her.  I would have liked to have heard that more than I have.  And she's right.  While Lucas' diagnosis is far from what we would have ever dreamed, we are sure happy to have him in our family.

Second, a lady at my church was telling me about her daughter who lost a child.  Her daughter kept saying, "why me?".  Her mom gave her this bit of wisdom, and thankfully me too, she said, "why not you?".  You must have done something right to deserve this child to go straight to heaven at such a young age.  Heavenly Father wanted to call your child home.  Then told me, Jenn you have a perfect baby.  Heavenly Father must really love you to trust you with a special baby like Lucas.  In that moment it clicked.  Lucas is special.  He was created in the image of God.  Perfect the way God intended him to be.  This lady's husband called Lucas a celestial baby.  I trusted his every word too.  I know we will be blessed for having him in our family.

The past almost 2 months have been such a whirlwind and mix of emotions.  I was actually told "I'm Sorry" by someone.  I was shocked.  My MIL received the same response too.  Well I'm not sorry.  This was part of God's plan for my life.  I cannot deny that.  I've had tremendous peace as I've come to accept that simple fact.  I'm overwhelmed by the love and support I have received by complete strangers.  I feel this is God's way of giving me a great big hug and telling me it's going to be ok.  I have my good days and bad days.  Mostly good.  Especially since I've been able to be with him half days.  I'm thankful for Lucas' sweet spirit and feel blessed already to be his mother.

Thank you Lord.

The Birth Story {Part 2}: The Down Low

Remember in the Birth Story Part 1 I mentioned we were visited by social workers shortly after we got our room in the hospital?  Well we were told they visit every parent who has a baby in the NICU.  I didn't remember this from Abigail being in there.  Markus swears they came.  I didn't remember that part.  Well though we thought it was kind of strange, I dismissed it.  It wasn't the only thing I dismissed that day.  When they walked Markus down to the NICU where Lucas was, Markus sent me a pic of Lucas.  You see the pictures the social workers brought us, Lucas appeared to have blonde hair.  I thought, no way!  He actually looked JUST LIKE ABIGAIL!  So the picture Markus texted me... the first thing that came to my mind when I saw the picture was, he (my son) looks like a Downs baby.  Quickly, I dismissed the thought and saw the brown hair.  Markus' words were, "dark hair".  It was clear his hair was really brown and not blonde.  I thought what kind of picture did those ladies give me.  haha.

The picture Markus texted me

Markus came back up to my room after visiting Lucas.  By that time I had my food and was feeling better.  Still waiting on my IV to get taken out.  Markus told me about the NICU and how Lucas' room was next door to the one Abigail stayed in just 2 short years earlier.  He said he waited around to talk to the dr. but she was tied up and would talk to us later.  I was on a high.  I just wanted the stupid IV out of my arm so I could go see my baby!

Well in comes Dr. Stewart and the 2 social workers we had seen earlier.  It instantly felt weird.  Why were we being visited by a Dr. (as opposed to being called) and why were the social workers back?  My mind was trying to be open at this point, but I was so confused.  The Dr. started saying how she was there when Lucas was born but she was observing him from upside down and how it was hard to make assessments of him in this position.  She started telling us about him.  I honestly don't remember now everything she said.  It. was. weird.  Then all of the sudden out of the clear blue sky... the words flow from her mouth ever so matter of factly, "Your baby has down syndrome".  Not only could you hear a pin drop, I could feel my blood pressure drop, I could feel my heart being crushed, I heard nothing.  Nothing but silence and 3 people staring at me and my husband that I didn't want to look at anymore.  How could this be possible?  I didn't understand.  We went to Maternal Fetal Medicine, why didn't we know anything about this out of our 3 visits with them and paying for double ultrasounds?  Why?

I don't think I wanted to understand anything at that moment.  I just needed silence to help my brain to open to the information I just learned about my baby.  Then on with more facts about the syndrome and tests that were being run on my baby and genetic tests this and that.  I practically only heard half the information.  I think my mind checked out and went somewhere that allowed me to maintain my composure and be an absolute mute while they were in the room.  Markus asked all the questions.  Seriously.  Anyone who knows me well enough, knows that is not like me at all!  I hated the way I felt.  I hated what I was thinking.  Then the social worker said something I will never forget.  She said it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling.  Well how did she know what I was feeling?  She also said it was ok to mourn the loss of the child we thought he would be.  She said he will still be Lucas, just not the Lucas YOU thought he would be.  For whatever reason, it make perfect sense to me.  And brought tears to my eyes.  She was breaking through my hard shell.

They left shortly after delivering the news.  Silence filled the room.  Not only did I continue being a mute, I froze.  Time stood still.  For several minutes.  I didn't know what to say to my husband.  How could we have created this baby?  What would he think?  Surely this was my fault.  That was what I thought.  I gazed out the window.  I just wanted to go back to him being born.  To the happiness I felt when I heard it was a BOY!  The relief that I had when the only name I had picked out could be.  Lucas.  It means light giving.  Light; illumination.  Then it hit me with more force.  This was all part of the plan.  God's plan for my little family.  He knew this baby was to be a "light" to us.  I tell you there was a point in the name selection where Lucas was the only one I would consider for a boy.  I loved everything about it.  I knew (almost) it would be the name of my baby.  God created this baby this way.  His way.  I tried to help my heart and mind get used to the idea.  I continued to think more.  More about what I have said for years.  The 2 people that know me the best in the world, my husband and my best friend knew exactly what I would always say, I always felt like I would have a child with special needs.  The more I thought about it, the more I knew that was just the beginning of the Lord preparing me.  Preparing me for this moment.  For this baby.  For my new life.  Literally.  It didn't help when I finally got around to muttering words through tears to Markus this little thought from the past.  He remembered.  My husbands forgets very little.  He agreed.  Yep.  Not that either of us were willing to accept our new reality at that point, but yeah.  Then the how would we tell people?  What would they think?  Markus was adamant about waiting for the genetic tests.  I prayed and prayed.  I asked God to help me to know if this was really true about my Lucas.  Help me to know before the genetic tests came back.  Then all the above flooded my mind.  Filled my heart.  Slowly my heart started to accept it.  If it was from God, how could I deny it?  I told my husband, he's ours.  We made him.  No matter what, he's ours.  There I said it.  It was true.   It was the first step to accepting Lucas as my baby.  The baby I birthed with great pride.  The baby I was overjoyed to learn he was a boy.  The baby who I prayed over.  Night after night.  The same prayer, Lord help us to open our hearts to this baby and accept him however he comes to us.  The baby who would/will ultimately change our family... forever.  That was a scary reality as I took the first step.

We visited him at the NICU when I finally got my IV out.  All I could see was a baby with down syndrome.  Little did I know at the time, that would be all I could see for a few days.  It was awful.  I was incapable of seeing anything different.  I looked at everything.  Everything from head to toes.  His toes were Markus' toes.  His nose was wide as my granny said the "LeBlanc" nose.  So many things were just like my other kids.  I just wasn't able to move past the "Down Syndrome" part.  It was eating at me.  We went back to the hospital room and crashed.  With not having any sleep that night I was in labor and it being the afternoon AND learning about my baby, I felt like I had been ran over by something that was not going to let me make it through the day unless I could sleep on it.  Markus and I both hoped in the hospital bed and held each other and fell asleep. 

We woke up to my brother in law and his sweet bride to be coming for a visit.  They were our first visitors.  We walked them over to the NICU.  It was a nice visit.  Awkward as we had news to share (not happy or exciting) about our baby, but I told Markus I wanted our parents to know first.   Sadly, we went through the whole visit without telling them.  I was kind of scared.  I was mad we didn't tell them in person and apologetic later.  Still hate that.

Then our sweet friends Fritz & Hayley stopped by as Winston & Dianne were finishing their visit up.   They were the first people we told about being pregnant back in December 2014.  Fitting that they came and would be the first to learn about Lucas and his DS.  They just didn't know it.  I didn't know it either.  They were our guinea pigs to try out our news with if you will... for the lack of a better way to say it.  We walked them over to the NICU.  Markus and I just stared at each other while they were mesmerized by Lucas and his size, etc.  We all sat down and I tried to find the words.  Tears began to flow.  The words came.  The feeling of telling our dear friends about our new reality was heartbreaking.  Heartbreaking for us and for them to receive it.  We talked through it with them.  Fritz didn't believe us, I don't think.  Him and Markus went around about physical features of the Down Syndrome.  And how he was not sure about the diagnosis, etc.  Honestly, we were still trying to absorb the information and reassure them and ourselves.   Told them about wanting the genetic test to come back before we could "confirm" things. 

We walked them back to our room, to be greeted by our families anxiously waiting to get eyes on Lucas.  Instant sadness and disappointment came over me.  How in the world were we going to tell them?  We said goodbye to Fritz & Hayley and HELLO to our parents and siblings and my children!  I was overwhelmed by the sight of so many members of our family in one room.  I could barely look at my kids the same as I had the day before.  They looked so, normal.  It was crazy.

I whispered to Markus you tell your family and I will tell mine.  Markus walked his family to the NICU first while my family waited in the hospital room.  I was nervous and anxious and trying to establish good timing.  So here goes... more tears.  Surprised looks and tears from my mom and sister.  It was just how I thought it would be.  Love and support welcomed me at the end of the news.  My mom said, "we will get through this Jennifer".  At that moment I believed her.  It's a rare occasion, but I believed her words at that moment.  There were lots of questions from them.  Some of which I could answer.  Others, I couldn't.  It was becoming more real.

Markus' family returned.  I was greeted with hugs.  Bigger hugs than before.  It was becoming more real.  Tears filled their eyes too.  I walked my family down there.  They didn't get a lot of time with Lucas.  It was coming up on shift change.  I was sad we didn't get a lot of time.  They were so into him and his little features.  It was cute.  Pictures the whole nine.  We got back to my room and they left shortly afterwards.  I ordered dinner and asked Markus about how his family received the news.  We discussed how both of our families took the news.  He told me his mom, brother and sister didn't believe it.  I told him my family was shocked, but accepting of the news.  We talked about how differently our families are and how they received it.  We also talked about how we can't tell people how to react or receive the news.  We learned something else in that moment of truth, everyone will have their own reaction and deal with it in their way.   It was becoming more real.  Slowly.

We went back up to the NICU to spend time with Lucas by ourselves.  We had some great nurses that day.  One of them was Mrs. Suzanne.  She said exactly what I needed to hear.  I balled.  I lost it.  And she was so sweet.  She gave me a huge hug and told me about faith and humility and how God gave us Lucas.  I knew she was right.  I could feel God using her to confirm to me this was how it was going to be with Lucas.  She told me about 2 other ladies who had kids with DS.  She has from that day made certain I've talked to as many people as I can about DS kids.  I'm so incredibly thankful to her for that.

I left red faced and teary-eyed that night from the NICU.  The whirlwind of a day was drawing to a close.  I wished that I could get a do-over in a sense.  Or make parts of it go away.  It was only the first day to the beginning of a new direction our family would journey through.  I was obviously not ready or prepared for it in any way.  But ultimately, I think God knew what I needed and how I needed to know about my baby and this was the best way for me to find out.  Scary, but true.  I would have gone into a nervous breakdown if I knew this before this baby was born.  I think so.  But that I will never know.  Because I was spared that preparation in a sense. 

Here's to turning the page and starting the next chapter of our life with a new little baby, Lucas James.  Oh how we love him so, Down Syndrome (extra chromosome) and all.  And we have the genetic test to prove it!

Thanks for stopping by!  Sorry it was so long, it was more so for me.

Surprise! It's a Boy! The Birth Story of Lucas James...

I need to do this more often, but can't seem to sit down long enough to compose a blog post.  LOL until I have a baby.  Sad, but true I guess.  Just a brief overview.  We found out we were pregnant with Baby #3 the day after Christmas.  Little did we know what surprises we were in for this go round.  One of those surprises were being pregnant.  It happened so fast!  AND we found out at Christmastime... and kind of by accident/ by surprise.  Markus just kept picking with me that I was pregnant.  I went to work the day after Christmas and bought a test just to prove him wrong.  Well... right he was!  The whole day I thought about how I could tell him.  On the way home, I bought a kingcake from Ralph's and wrapped the test up in lots of napkins.  Walked in the door and made a big deal to the kids how mommy got a cake for them.  We all know it comes with a baby in it, right!?  Well Markus went right for the napkins thinking it was a knife in the kingcake box (he already had pregnancy brain, haha) and there it was.  I loved that moment.

It was always the deal if we had a 3rd baby we wouldn't find out what we were having.  This added to the thrill and anticipation for me.  Everything thusfar had been a surprise so I thought, Why not!?  It was great.  I almost wish I would have done it for the other's, but then maybe not.  Ha!  Other surprises ensued.  At our 20 week ultrasound we were sent to Maternal Fetal Medicine AKA High Risk Dr. because the baby had dilated ventricles and short femurs.  I lost it.  I kept thinking I take care of myself and I'm not high risk.  At that appointment we got a lot of worst case scenarios and the whole we will monitor it type replies.  It made for some long weeks ahead.  Out of the 3 times we went, we kept getting better news.  I prayed like I have never prayed before.  But my prayer was always the same.... Lord, may we be open and love this baby however he comes to us.  I knew no matter what he was mine and I was going to love him no matter what came of this whole brain thing.  Tremendous faith building time in my life.  I've never felt more strong and lifted by those around me praying.  It was truly and amazing experience.  For this, I can handle today. :)

I had given a lot of preparation to my boss so he could sufficiently run his business in my absence.  34 weeks came.  I warned him that from that day forward if I went into labor, my doctor would not stop it.  He knew full and well as did a lot of others around me.  Perhaps this was the Lord's way of helping me prepare for what was to come.  34 weeks and 2 days came, the night of July 25th.  It was Saturday.  My baby girl came down with hand foot and mouth the day before.  I cleaned the house like I have not done in a long time.  It was spotless when I was done with it that evening around 10ish.  Clothes were done, kid's bathroom cleaned, playroom and kid's room cleaned, floors mopped, door casings and trims wiped down... basically everything Abigail may have touched with the exception of the toys, I cleaned.  It. was. insane.  And I was tired!!!!  and pregnant.  The activity continued....

By this point it's 11:30 and I remember the same feeling when I was pregnant with Trevor, like I was peeing on myself and couldn't make it stop.  My fluid was leaking.  I was in the bathroom by myself and started praying for it not to be.  I was not ready.  But suddenly the reality of it hit me and I started crying (inside).  I walked over to Markus and he asked what was wrong.  Much to his surprise I told him I was going to call the doctor because I believe my water broke, but wasn't 100% sure and didn't want to prance to the hospital at midnight if that was not what it was.  Spoke to the Dr. on call.  Surprise it was the same one who delivered Trevor.  Not my Dr.  I died a little inside, but listened to her and told her I would pay attention for the things she told me to look for.  Called my mom.  She didn't answer at first, but called right back.  Gave her the heads up I may have to go into the assessment center to see if I was really in labor and my water broke.  No sooner did I get off the phone with her and walk over to the bed and GUSH!  Like I was in the movies.  Yep my water broke and it gushed too.  I started balling and getting very worried.  Frantically calling my mom who I just spoke with what seemed like seconds ago and she didn't answer.  I barked for Markus to call his mom.  My brain stopped working.  I couldn't think (again) of what to pack in a bag.  Markus started packing for me.  I kept loosing more fluid.  It was crazy.  I had already set aside clothes to take to the hospital for both a boy and girl, so I grabbed those and ran all over my house trying to do stuff.  Mom got there first.  We ran over to the hospital.  Did I mention how close it was and how in the middle of the night it took no time to get there!?  Um yeah.

We waited in the assessment center for a little bit, got called back answered stupid questions then Markus came back and the real stuff happened.  I was dilated to a 2-3 CM.  Not really contracting.  It was like being in labor with Trevor all over again.  Other than my water breaking I didn't feel like I was in labor.  WTH.  The nurse left to call the Dr. and came back and said, ok we are going to start you on Pitocin.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I think that crap is the DEVIL!  I had it with Trevor.  I thought I would have him naturally til that crap got into by body and I couldn't catch my breath the pains were so nothing to extreme intensity from nowhere.  I asked the nurse why I had to have Pitocin?  She assumed I would have an epidural and blah blah.  I was like no ma'am.  I would really like my body to try and do its thang and I will go natural.  She left to call the Dr. back.  Well at this point it's 1 something and the Dr. agreed to let me see if I could go into labor by myself until 6am.  Ok.  fine.  yipee.  I was so excited.  I bounced on a ball.  Went up down and all around the hospital.  I got orders to walk.  My MIL met me up there once she got that news to power walk the halls with me.  We did this for what seemed like an eternity.  I was getting very discouraged because I felt nothing practically.  Exhausted and no sleep later, I said screw it... they are going to give me the devil pitocin anyway so at around 5:30ish or so I just stopped doing everything.  Got on my bed and chilled out and braced what was to follow.  I cannot say enough how much I hate pitocin.  Ok now that we have that established... they started juicing me up with that crap around 6:15ish or so.  The nurse told me at the old hospital they did the "juicing up" every 15 min.  Now they only do it every 30min.  Well hallelujah I thought, I may actually be able to breath this time.  Hahaha!  Then the best nurse ever came on for the day shift.  Mrs. Trudy.  She was amazing.  She told me how she had her 3rd baby natural and all that jazz.  We told her about Abigail being born quickly and naturally.  She took very good notes and obviously listened to my every word.  I had no idea.  So the pitocin persists and is barely working.  I told Trudy if it continued going the way I was feeling it I could deal, but I made her full aware I had not anticipated the pitocin and would likely be asking for an epidural.  She did not let me forget my words "natural".  She kept pushing me to go natural.  I told her I wanted to, but was so tired.  The Dr. checked me at 9:13.  I was a 4cm.  Granted I had already endured 3 hrs of the devil (pitocin) and the contractions to me were starting to get a lot more regular and a LOT more intense.  I told her if I'm feeling this way and I'm only a 4, I will not make it to a 10.  I just knew I wouldn't.  I told Trudy call in an epidural for me.  We went through this are you sure BS for what seemed like an eternity.  Meanwhile my phone is going off.  The stupid rocking chair in the room continued to squeak and my mom would not stop texting and making her phone go off.  I demanded my husband silence my phone (secretly hoping my mom would get the idea... she didn't) and asked the nurse to remove the rocking chair because I couldn't handle the noise.  Asked about the epidural again as I curled my toes under and tried to breath.  It brought back nightmares of Trevor's labor.  I didn't want to relive it.  Trudy checked me again with all my crazy mood swings going on.  I was a 6.  I begged for the epidural at this point.  Sweet Trudy got him in there before another patient who wasn't as far along next door as I was.  Oh yes she did!  The cart rolls in.  I was so happy to see the epidural cart, even asked if that is what it was to make sure my feelings would feel better.  I no sooner saw the anesthesiologist and I suddenly feel the urge to push.  No mind you, I remember this feeling very well.  2 years and 2 months earlier I was in the same hospital with the same urge... I didn't forget the feeling.  I started balling and telling Trudy I had to push.  She told the anesthesiologist sorry no epidural she has to push, he made sure that was what I wanted and I muttered the same and hollered, I'm so sorry.  I was so sorry.  I couldn't believe it was about to happen again... NATURALLY!  Trudy and Courtney (I loved her too) the nurse who patient I booted out of the epidural were on each of my sides and were hollering all kind of things at me like push and I can't even remember.  They frantically found a doctor to deliver my baby because the Dr. on call with my group was nowhere to be found.  So here goes nothing.  I pushed.  and pushed and after about 4 tries and telling the nurses I can't remember how to push... I hear the cry.  of my baby.  They told me to look but I literally could still feel him being pulled out of my body and couldn't move to do anything else.  Then when he was out... all I wanted to know is was he a boy or a girl.  Yes that is all I wanted to know.  I'm crazy.  It was a boy.  Then I wanted to hold him.  I loved rubbing all over his body and feeling so accomplished at what just happened.  The NICU team was anxiously in their corner of my room waiting for him.  I didn't want to give him up, but knew that is what had to be.  It was sad.  They assessed him and assessed him and assessed him.  Then took him.  During the assessment, I asked questions like how much he weighed.  He weighed more than Abigail!!!!  I was shocked.  I told myself had he gone full term he would certainly have been my biggest baby!  He was 5lbs 4 oz and 18.5" long.  And the sweetest blue, slimy thing I had ever seen.  I was worried about his lungs.  I didn't remember my others being so blue, but he was crying great so I felt like he would be fine.

It was truly an amazing thing.  My mom was by my side cheering me on like I needed her to be.  Markus was not by my side this time during the pushing, but he was behind my mom and I don't even know what he was thinking.  haha.  Poor Courtney the nurse, I must have squeezed the crap out of her arm I don't know how long.  And my sweet nurse Trudy for helping be my voice and strength through the whole thing.  She later told me while we were waiting for my room that I went from a 4cm to a 10 cm in 23 minutes and she knew I would go quickly she just didn't know how quickly and she knew I could do it naturally.  I love her for helping make that happen.  The recovery was just what I needed, especially for what lie ahead.

We got in my room after being in Labor & Delivery for 2 hours.  I hate that they make you do that.  I begged for the IV to go away.  I hated it.  Got in my room and I wanted to see my baby.  See I could walk... cause I didn't have an epidural.  Truly it's a beautiful thing and the Lord helped see me through it.  While I was waiting for my food and the IV to be removed, we were visited by some social workers.  Markus and I were very confused, but listened to what they had to say.  They brought us pictures of Lucas.  I wanted to see him so bad.  So, I made Markus go down to the NICU to get the update on baby boy, while I waited for food and IV.  The social workers walked him to where Lucas was.  He was not able to speak with the Dr. but was able to see him.  He even sent me a picture of him.  His hair was brown.  In the pics the social workers brought up it looked blonde.  I thought really, blonde hair?  Nope it was brown and must have been the lighting.  A thought crept into my mind when I saw the pic Markus texted me, but quickly went out of my brain when I saw he had brown hair instead of blonde.

Birth Story to be continued in Part 2.