Remember in the Birth Story Part 1 I mentioned we were visited by
social workers shortly after we got our room in the hospital? Well we
were told they visit every parent who has a baby in the NICU. I didn't
remember this from Abigail being in there. Markus swears they came.
I didn't remember that part. Well though we thought it was kind of
strange, I dismissed it. It wasn't the only thing I dismissed that
day. When they walked Markus down to the NICU where Lucas was, Markus
sent me a pic of Lucas. You see the pictures the social workers brought
us, Lucas appeared to have blonde hair. I thought, no way! He
actually looked JUST LIKE ABIGAIL! So the picture Markus texted me... the
first thing that came to my mind when I saw the picture was, he (my son) looks
like a Downs baby. Quickly, I dismissed the thought and saw the brown
hair. Markus' words were, "dark hair". It was clear his
hair was really brown and not blonde. I thought what kind of picture did
those ladies give me. haha.
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Markus came back up to my room after visiting
Lucas. By that time I had my food and was feeling better. Still
waiting on my IV to get taken out. Markus told me about the NICU and how
Lucas' room was next door to the one Abigail stayed in just 2 short years earlier.
He said he waited around to talk to the dr. but she was tied up and would talk
to us later. I was on a high. I just wanted the stupid IV out of my
arm so I could go see my baby!
Well in comes Dr. Stewart and the 2 social workers
we had seen earlier. It instantly felt weird. Why were we being
visited by a Dr. (as opposed to being called) and why were the social workers
back? My mind was trying to be open at this point, but I was so confused.
The Dr. started saying how she was there when Lucas was born but she was
observing him from upside down and how it was hard to make assessments of him
in this position. She started telling us about him. I honestly
don't remember now everything she said. It. was. weird. Then all of
the sudden out of the clear blue sky... the words flow from her mouth ever so
matter of factly, "Your baby has down syndrome". Not only could
you hear a pin drop, I could feel my blood pressure drop, I could feel my heart
being crushed, I heard nothing. Nothing but silence and 3 people staring
at me and my husband that I didn't want to look at anymore. How could
this be possible? I didn't understand. We went to Maternal Fetal
Medicine, why didn't we know anything about this out of our 3 visits with them
and paying for double ultrasounds? Why?
I don't think I wanted to understand anything at
that moment. I just needed silence to help my brain to open to the
information I just learned about my baby. Then on with more facts about
the syndrome and tests that were being run on my baby and genetic tests this
and that. I practically only heard half the information. I think my
mind checked out and went somewhere that allowed me to maintain my composure and
be an absolute mute while they were in the room. Markus asked all the
questions. Seriously. Anyone who knows me well enough, knows that
is not like me at all! I hated the way I felt. I hated what I was
thinking. Then the social worker said something I will never
forget. She said it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling. Well how
did she know what I was feeling? She also said it was ok to mourn
the loss of the child we thought he would be. She said he will still be
Lucas, just not the Lucas YOU thought he would be. For whatever reason,
it make perfect sense to me. And brought tears to my eyes. She was
breaking through my hard shell.
They left shortly after delivering the news.
Silence filled the room. Not only did I continue being a mute, I
froze. Time stood still. For several minutes. I didn't know
what to say to my husband. How could we have created this baby?
What would he think? Surely this was my fault. That was what I
thought. I gazed out the window. I just wanted to go back to him
being born. To the happiness I felt when I heard it was a BOY! The
relief that I had when the only name I had picked out could be.
Lucas. It means light giving. Light; illumination. Then it
hit me with more force. This was all part of the plan. God's plan
for my little family. He knew this baby was to be a "light" to
us. I tell you there was a point in the name selection where Lucas was
the only one I would consider for a boy. I loved everything about
it. I knew (almost) it would be the name of my baby. God created
this baby this way. His way. I tried to help my heart and mind get
used to the idea. I continued to think more. More about what I have
said for years. The 2 people that know me the best in the world, my
husband and my best friend knew exactly what I would always say, I always felt
like I would have a child with special needs. The more I thought about
it, the more I knew that was just the beginning of the Lord preparing me.
Preparing me for this moment. For this baby. For my new life.
Literally. It didn't help when I finally got around to muttering words
through tears to Markus this little thought from the past. He
remembered. My husbands forgets very little. He agreed.
Yep. Not that either of us were willing to accept our new reality at that
point, but yeah. Then the how would we tell people? What would they
think? Markus was adamant about waiting for the genetic tests. I
prayed and prayed. I asked God to help me to know if this was really true
about my Lucas. Help me to know before the genetic tests came back.
Then all the above flooded my mind. Filled my heart. Slowly my
heart started to accept it. If it was from God, how could I deny
it? I told my husband, he's ours. We made him. No matter
what, he's ours. There I said it. It was true. It was
the first step to accepting Lucas as my baby. The baby I birthed with
great pride. The baby I was overjoyed to learn he was a boy. The
baby who I prayed over. Night after night. The same prayer, Lord
help us to open our hearts to this baby and accept him however he comes to
us. The baby who would/will ultimately change our family...
forever. That was a scary reality as I took the first step.
We visited him at the NICU when I finally got my IV
out. All I could see was a baby with down syndrome. Little did I
know at the time, that would be all I could see for a few days. It was
awful. I was incapable of seeing anything different. I looked at
everything. Everything from head to toes. His toes were Markus'
toes. His nose was wide as my granny said the "LeBlanc"
nose. So many things were just like my other kids. I just wasn't
able to move past the "Down Syndrome" part. It was eating at
me. We went back to the hospital room and crashed. With not having
any sleep that night I was in labor and it being the afternoon AND learning
about my baby, I felt like I had been ran over by something that was not going
to let me make it through the day unless I could sleep on it. Markus and
I both hoped in the hospital bed and held each other and fell asleep.
We woke up to my brother in law and his sweet bride
to be coming for a visit. They were our first visitors. We walked
them over to the NICU. It was a nice visit. Awkward as we had news
to share (not happy or exciting) about our baby, but I told Markus I wanted our
parents to know first. Sadly, we went through the whole visit
without telling them. I was kind of scared. I was mad we didn't
tell them in person and apologetic later. Still hate that.
Then our sweet friends Fritz & Hayley stopped
by as Winston & Dianne were finishing their visit up. They were
the first people we told about being pregnant back in December 2014.
Fitting that they came and would be the first to learn about Lucas and his
DS. They just didn't know it. I didn't know it either. They
were our guinea pigs to try out our news with if you will... for the lack of a
better way to say it. We walked them over to the NICU. Markus and I
just stared at each other while they were mesmerized by Lucas and his size,
etc. We all sat down and I tried to find the words. Tears began to
flow. The words came. The feeling of telling our dear friends about
our new reality was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking for us and for them to
receive it. We talked through it with them. Fritz didn't believe
us, I don't think. Him and Markus went around about physical features of
the Down Syndrome. And how he was not sure about the diagnosis,
etc. Honestly, we were still trying to absorb the information and reassure
them and ourselves. Told them about wanting the genetic test to
come back before we could "confirm" things.
We walked them back to our room, to be greeted by
our families anxiously waiting to get eyes on Lucas. Instant sadness and
disappointment came over me. How in the world were we going to tell
them? We said goodbye to Fritz & Hayley and HELLO to our parents and
siblings and my children! I was overwhelmed by the sight of so many
members of our family in one room. I could barely look at my kids the
same as I had the day before. They looked so, normal. It was crazy.
I whispered to Markus you tell your family and I
will tell mine. Markus walked his family to the NICU first while my
family waited in the hospital room. I was nervous and anxious and trying
to establish good timing. So here goes... more tears. Surprised
looks and tears from my mom and sister. It was just how I thought it
would be. Love and support welcomed me at the end of the news. My
mom said, "we will get through this Jennifer". At that moment I
believed her. It's a rare occasion, but I believed her words at that
moment. There were lots of questions from them. Some of which I
could answer. Others, I couldn't. It was becoming more real.
Markus' family returned. I was greeted with
hugs. Bigger hugs than before. It was becoming more real.
Tears filled their eyes too. I walked my family down there. They
didn't get a lot of time with Lucas. It was coming up on shift change.
I was sad we didn't get a lot of time. They were so into him and his
little features. It was cute. Pictures the whole nine. We got
back to my room and they left shortly afterwards. I ordered dinner and
asked Markus about how his family received the news. We discussed how
both of our families took the news. He told me his mom, brother and
sister didn't believe it. I told him my family was shocked, but accepting
of the news. We talked about how differently our families are and how
they received it. We also talked about how we can't tell people how to
react or receive the news. We learned something else in that moment of
truth, everyone will have their own reaction and deal with it in their
way. It was becoming more real. Slowly.
We went back up to the NICU to spend time with Lucas
by ourselves. We had some great nurses that day. One of them was
Mrs. Suzanne. She said exactly what I needed to hear. I
balled. I lost it. And she was so sweet. She gave me a huge
hug and told me about faith and humility and how God gave us Lucas. I
knew she was right. I could feel God using her to confirm to me this was
how it was going to be with Lucas. She told me about 2 other ladies who
had kids with DS. She has from that day made certain I've talked to as
many people as I can about DS kids. I'm so incredibly thankful to her for
that.
I left red faced and teary-eyed that night from the
NICU. The whirlwind of a day was drawing to a close. I wished that
I could get a do-over in a sense. Or make parts of it go away. It
was only the first day to the beginning of a new direction our family would
journey through. I was obviously not ready or prepared for it in any
way. But ultimately, I think God knew what I needed and how I needed to
know about my baby and this was the best way for me to find out. Scary,
but true. I would have gone into a nervous breakdown if I knew this
before this baby was born. I think so. But that I will never
know. Because I was spared that preparation in a sense.
Here's to turning the page and starting the next
chapter of our life with a new little baby, Lucas James. Oh how we love
him so, Down Syndrome (extra chromosome) and all. And we have the genetic test to prove it!
Thanks for stopping by! Sorry it was so long, it was more so for me.
Thanks for stopping by! Sorry it was so long, it was more so for me.
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